Thank you for coming... Was it Tom? Kon Gressman and... Cien Ator, very good. My name is Usoa. Please be seated. There are a few details you need to know about our family to appreciate just how unique it is before you take up your duties here. Our family is famous for much more than being rich you know. Our humanitarian efforts, and philanthropic endeavors, even exploring the last known frontiers. However, thanks to an avarice press, paparazzi really, our good name has been plastered across scandal sheets worldwide. Now, even the colleges are jumping on it and offering their credibility to the stories. Oh, its just disgusting how they blow up photos of my every wrinkle and fault then present truly horrid women as if they were perfect actually airbrushing their images. Now, whenever we have to compete for business, I pay double or acquire half what they do. Oh dear, excuse me... I'm composed now.
The truth is I have been married 44 times and have 50 children. All of them girls. All live at home and by God's grace, always will. I didn't birth all of them, but you'd be amazed with how many I did. Thirteen were adopted at the outset of my first marriage, a few more were adopted over the years. The rest were all natural with my various husbands. Don't get any ideas I care any less for those adoptees. I watch after each and every one of them like an eagle over her eggs.
I've been a busy girl, but cut me some slack. After all, I am 235 years old and still going strong. I don't know of any other girls my age, so I must be doing something right. I still have plenty of suitors even though I'm presently married and soon, yes I'll be choosing a new one. My husbands have been surprisingly civil considering. Whenever I think it's time, I allow the suitors to court me. When I make up my mind, the ol' man shakes the new man's hand and simply walks off the job. I know it sounds kind of strange, but it seems to work for me and the kids. Every one of them knew what they were signing on for and have always testified to fond memories of their time with me and the kids with no regrets for having sought my hand.
Speaking of the kids, I am very glad you're here. So you've been hired to represent... Which one sent you again? Oh yes, of course. So beautiful. Alright, she may have hired you but you're in my house, so you need to know the unwritten rules of the house so we can maintain some sense of peace and civility around here and keep these girls from scratching one another's eyes out. Trust me, it's happened before and it damn near tore the family apart and it did ruin the fortune we'd acquired. Fortunately, when we got it together again we were able to amass an even bigger fortune. Sadly, not before killing the man of the house at the time. God, that poor man.
Anyway, I need you to be aware that some of the men who are attracted to me are not of a civil nature, if you take my meaning. These men would force me into an unwanted marriage by violence. So you're to ensure my husband has the authority, strength, and will to face his responsibility to negotiate, fight or flee as he deems necessary with these men of violence. Okay? He has to be able to maneuver without giving notice to; or getting approval from you or me.
Another thing. Some of my husbands have in times past been heavy handed with their authority over my kids. I need you to keep an eye open for any signs of over stepping his rightful role as their father. Just between you and me, it's been a while since I had a man who understands his rightful role with the kids. My first husbands drew up a document to specifically describe their role, limiting their own authority and even My authority over the kids. It was such a silly idea, but it has the weight of authority. Or, at least it did have for the honorable men of bygone days. Nobody seems to pay any attention to it any more except to blame one another. You know, they cite it paragraph by paragraph, but excuse their own behavior in abusing it and more importantly, my kids. Maybe my age is affecting this old girl more than any of us want to admit, but I haven't been very faithful to it myself. Oh how I regret that, but the events pressuring me at times were overwhelming and my Herbert seemed so sure and confident and so did Franklin and some others.
I guess that's what motivated you to seek this job. I sure hope that's what motivated you and I pray you're good at it. If it isn't what motivated you, I hope you're lousy at it. God knows we need wiser and more effective representatives for those kids. I should warn you that most of you guys wind up selling out. You newbies show up with such high ideals, but eventually end up in the scandal rags before you're done. There are so many temptations as the lawyer of a rich kid in a rich family. This place just chews up moral people and spits them out. If you don't have an established means of dealing with your own folly, you'll do nothing but harm to the family and the kid and yourself no matter how idealistic you are now. I know, not you. That's what they all say. I'm witnessing to you now, if you are not assured of severe personal trial and sacrifice for this work and if you don't intend to maintain the integrity of this position, I'm begging you to bow out gracefully now...
Nobody ever does. Nobody ever has. Moving on now.
Every parent has moments of being overwhelmed and I'm no exception, so I'm asking you to be the kind of friend I can trust to call me out on my own abusiveness should I get out of control. This is not an official responsibility so don't assume this invitation is your route or right to rule me, understand? Do it in love and with our family's best interests at heart. It should be rare, but it happens. Who knows, if you're good enough at it, if you can impress me with both righteousness and an articulate confidence, maybe you could take a turn as my husband.
Seriously, as a personal favor to me, I'm asking you to help me fight the negative stereotype the papers, nutty professors, some of your fellows hired by your client's sisters, and even some of my own kids have taped to my back. Can you do that for me please. I would be eternally grateful.
Finally, since you are going through with your commitments to enter these positions, I implore you, please understand, we own a great big business that produces like nothing and no one else, but your fellow representatives have promised my kids more than we can deliver. The business cannot and will not sustain the payments those guys keep promising our debtors, my kids, my neighbors, my friends, even my enemies, yes my enemies. Whatever else you decide to do or not do, refuse to allow unfounded liabilities for me to pay, and unfunded mandates for my kids to pay. They're killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.
It's been very nice meeting you both and I will be praying for you to keep your integrity through the trials you have no idea you're entering. I expect to be hearing of you very soon. If I don't, I'll know what happened. You won't be cruising through if you manage to hold your integrity. You'll make the news by simply standing when and where you should. Otherwise, you may get along for quite a while without anyone knowing your names, then one day, you'll see it in the tabloids or worse, on a warrant or subpoena. Good luck to us all.