Saturday, March 25, 2006

Bubba and the Tazer

I gits around on thuh internet a bit and Iwas on a bdsm (Bondage Dominant/Submissive Masochist) site called COLLARME-'magin that-whin I come across this here post in one o' theyr forums.

Bubba: I was out in town the other day and happened to be in a second hand store when I came across a small tazer. I've always wanted one and this seemed so small I doubted it could be much of a deterrant. But it was really cheap so I went ahead and bought it. There were some errands and chores that had to be done so I didn't get to spend as much time with it as I wanted to.
It was about 8:30 PM and the wife was out with some friends when I decided to pull out my new toy. I was sitting in my recliner in my shorts watching TV, and pulled out the manual for my tazer and started reading it. Among the general BS two things stood out in my mind; the first being that it required 1 (one) AAA battery for operation, and the second that they actually framed a caution notice in big broad borders that read, "Caution-Shocking Hazard" Of course there's a hazard of being shocked by a tazer, it is DESIGNED to shock. Well I got all excited and ran into the kitchen to find a AAA battery in a drawer. After fishing around in the cabinets for five minutes I gave up and went back to my recliner. I pulled the battery cover off of the remote control to the TV and removed one of the tiny little cylinders to install into my new tazer. When I got it installed and all sealed up, I flipped it over made sure it was ready to go and pulled the trigger and- ?! humph! Nothing. I mean, where was the cool blue spark jumping from pole to pole with the crackling sound of electricity splitting oxygen molecules into ozone? I was so-o-o disheartened.
I thought, "Maybe it isn't working?" but when I touched a wire across the poles there was a little tiny snap. I flipped it back over and opened the battery cover again and looked at the AAA battery. "How much juice can a tiny little AAA have?" I looked down a Buster laying on the floor looking back at me and as curious as I was, I wasn't prepared to do that to my trusting pal, my buddy, my dog. "It can't be that strong with only a teeny weeny little AAA battery, besides its probably half used up from the TV remote. So with Buster looking at me like, "You aren't that big a fool are you?" I pressed the two little studs into my bare leg and thinking, "I'll just bump the trigger." I lightly and quickly hit the trigger----
My leg is sore and something is pressing into my side, Buster is licking my face, there's a puddle of saliva on the carpet under my mouth and I vaguely recall seziure like convulsions before blacking out and I still have the tazer tightly clutched in my hand. I let go of the trigger and drop the tazer and agonizingly roll of of the box the tazer came in. As I crawl back into my recliner and pull myself together I'm thinking, "Damned fool" and make a mental note to self: when your muscles tense under electric shock you cannot release the trigger on your tazer.

Laike Ah sayed in mah last post, we are a seff deestuctive culture. Theis here wuz only a leetle taste o' whut Ah mean by thet. Thuh very fact thet Ah fount theis here post on a bdsm site suggests ta' me thet he's a-plannin' ta use that there tazer on his wife. Fortunately, Ah don't thank he'll be tryin' it on her now.
But you know, he ain't thuh onliest one thet's ever done somp'n as stupid as 'at. Wye I bet some o' ya'lls got some stories ta teyall of yer own. Ya'll 'er welcome to share amungst yersevves whut kina' thangs ya'll a-done. I know I done mah sheer. Well laike a-time I went out ridin' on my motorcycle on street tires in the snow. Whin Ah staurted aout thet mornin' hit looked laike a beautiful day late in the fall. I went ta school an' inside a hour it was snowin' heavy. They let us out at lunch so's we could git home afore it got too slick, only it was already too late.

Now I didn't live fer 'nough away to justify gittin' on thet bike, but I did. I got it started and dropped her down in ta' first gear and away I went with both feet on thuh ground and never bothered to shift up. It was already too hairy. Nayow thuh bike was already facin' home so I didn't haff to do no turnin' theyre. I got to the first stop sign, thet waddn' no problem nather 'cuz again, I diddn' have to do no turnin'. But thet second stop sign putt me raight out on ta' thuh main drag o' town. I could-a gone either way ta git gome, but I started out to thuh layeft. When Ah got out in ta' the middle o' thet main road, wye the back end past me raight up. An' thein it kept raight on 'round me till Ah just had ta quit tryin' ta go. When Ah got stopped Ah was a-facin' thuh complete other way, that's when Ah said good 'nough. So that's the way Ah weynt. Ah had ta go thu' thet same cycle at every turn. Whut shud a-takin' me 15 minutes ta walk, tuk me a haff an hour ta ride. An' thet don' even count how many times Ah wuz inta way o' others. When Ah finally did git home it tuk another 15 minutes ta git all the ice out'n mah hayer.

Next time I'll show ya'll some pitchers Ah got thu' mah e-mail thetch ya'll won't believe.

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